the noise

Arts and crafts has become a chore. It does not relax me as it use to. My mind is not at rest and it is hard to describe. Let see if I can tell you how I am feeling...
It feels like you are in a room trying to study for a exam. An exam that will determine whether you get a A or a F. If you don't pass this exam everyone will look down on you in disappointment. If you don't pass this test a room full of starving people would have to miss another meal and would slowly whither while watching a fat person stuff their mouth with your favorite food. Your life depends on this exam. The world depends on you passing this exam. And as you study every single day of every single hour; the loudest most obnoxious noise is trying to distract you. Baby's crying, cars honking, and people calling your name over and over again. As you try your best to study for this one test, you could feel your mind boil and melt and you slowly feel certain memories and facts slowly fade away.

That is how I feel. I am all alone in this room yet my mind feels like it is going on overload over nothing. I don't literally hear things but what I just explained is just a general idea of how I feel. The strange thing is, I have nothing to be stressed over about.

Day 4 ( A friend)

Another day in the room. Well I don't sit in here the entire day, just most of it. I just feel comfortable in it and a bit lonely.

I have no friends and I wish I did. I wish for one every day. A best friend...
A friend that is dependable and trustworthy. A friend that would stick by my side and always be there for me. A friend who is caring , polite, thoughtful, generous, and sweet. A type of friend that would never try to hurt your feelings on purpose. It would be nice if she was around my age; 20, 21, 22, 23 or a little more.

Can such a person exist on this earth... I DOUBT IT.

It seems like I am the only one that exists who is a descent person.The last thoughtful person; where if there was a last piece of candy, I would offer it to my friend first even if I really want it myself. Maybe that is why i get taken advantage of. It is because I am too nice. After a while I got tired of being stepped on and being back stabbed, that I created a outer shell to protect myself from the outside world.

Day 3

Hello, it is me again. Guess what... I am still sitting in the bedroom. What a surprise.

I am suppose to go to the psychologist every Thursday. I don't want to any more. I never did. The only reason why I went is because he told me that I should go. His family is also concerned about my mental stability. (Interestingly, my parents are totally oblivious to it)

Reason 1: Anti- Social
The first reason why he wants me to go is because he is concerned about my anti- social behavior. I don't have friends.

I admit, I often prefer sitting in the room alone and do art projects then to talk to people. Yes, I would choose arts and crafts over most people. Maybe the reason is because I dislike people. The human kind has disappointed me in so many ways, and so many times that I would prefer the company of my dead dog than most people. The reason why I have given up on people is because I have been back stabbed, lied to.. etc.. So much. I don't want to deal with them anymore. I am a genuinely good person. The reason why I tell you this is because I do not want you to think that I deserve it. I didn't deserve to be treated the way I was. The way they have treated me has caused me to become vindictive and vengeful towards people that hurt me. What they did to me has turned me into what I am.

I do have plenty of guy friends but they only like me because they want to get in my pants. More than one person has told me this. The reason why I believe them is because most of then admitted to the fact that if broke up with my boyfriend they would be first in line to ask me out. Secondly, 60% of then told me that they want to have sex with me. It is a sad fact, I learned to except over time. As for girls, I just have bad luck with them.


Reason 2: My drawings
My drawings can be a bit disturbing. On one page I would draw a peaceful beautiful garden with plenty of rabbits and the next page I would draw pictures of mutilated bodies of my enemies.
My drawings are like Esther's from the movie Orphan. The only difference is I can't draw well.


I forgot the rest of the reasons. I know there are more. Maybe it is because I have more than one personality running around in my head... maybe it is because I say really strange stuff... maybe it is becuase I don't like sex.

I do admit... I am a bit off and what every mental instability I have is getting worse. I just don't feel like going to a psychologist.

Day 2

He wants to take me shopping. He wants me to do something fun. He wants me to smile and be happy. He told me the best way to do this is by doing something I enjoy. I told him that I am doing something I like. I like to do arts and crafts but it does not make me happy. It is something that I can do to keep me busy. I am not sure if I am actually happy doing it. It is something I can do by myself.

It is in the afternoon and I have not left this half lit bedroom yet. I am hungry, but I do not feel like leaving this room. I know he is going to make me go out today. He said that it will be a day just for me. He makes me smile.

--- update ---

He did make me get out of the room. We watched Death of the Funeral. It was funny yet Ironic. We were watching a movie about a Funeral, at the same time his Grandma is under intensive care. I had to cancel the vacation I was planning on going with my parents because of the high chance that she is not going to make it.

Why has it come to a blog

Why am I writing a blog? My answer is simple. My psychologist recommend that I should ventilate, instead of bottling everything up. The problem is... if I ventilate then others might find out. If I write it in a diary, someone might read it and I hate writing. If I draw it, someone might see it and I am bad at drawing. So I figured, I might as well blog about it so I can write in it from anywhere I want.

I don't mind that you read it and comment on it. Who knows it may cure me. Just as long as my concerned parents and other people won't be huddling over my shoulder lecturing me about things they don't understand. Atleast a comment is something I can choose to read or not to read.

Day 1

You will never know who I truly am. You will never know if what you read is true. All you will know are the whispering mutterings in my head. The secrets hidden in my dark internal abyss.

I have two legs, two arms, ten fingers like everyone else. I have long dark frizzy hair , dark brown eyes, with tan skin. I have a figure with a small skinny frame and I am not ugly. If anyone saw me, all they would see is a ordinary college girl. Nothing special or alarming about the way I dress or present myself.

Only a few knows that I am a ticking time bomb waiting to snap. I write in my half lit room all by myself. I have not come out of this room all day other than to use the bathroom and eat some cereal.